// officially dieting.//

no more being 142

I disgust myself! Living at home and eating healthy is not easy. it’s so hard. my mother buys so much junk food and frozen food for my father and two older brothers who don;t give two shits about eating healthy. 

jesus. 

// I am scared.//

My mother has depression. She’s better now, but we had a long conversation about it, and she told me what depression feels like for her. I was worried about her, but she has help and medication now and she is happier.. so much happier. Now I’m worried about myself.. because the thing is.. I can relate to these feelings she told me about. No will to be around people. To get up. To eat. To pay attention to a television show. To care. I remember feeling this way numerous times in my life, though I don’t feel like that now. I felt like this when I was with my ex boyfriend Jonathan - the best person I know. I’m making connections and realizations. I’ve also tried to figure out the reasons I broke up with him. Why I would throw away the best thing in my life. Why I would crush somebody who I know would never ever hurt me. Why?? I could never explain it to people who asked: “What happened?”. I could not explain it to him. I told him that I wasn’t happy. I’m not sure if it’s you.. or it’s just me and so I need time to figure it out. I could not even explain it to myself. 

All of a sudden.. things are making sense. I was depressed. It wasn’t Jonathan. Jon was perfect. Jon was everything any woman would want for her future. And now.. there’s a reason why I ended it. And now I realize that, I also realize there was nothing wrong with the relationship… there is no reason we should not still be together. We are meant to be together. I believe that 100 percent in my mind and in my heart. It isn’t right - us not being together. The thing is.. I crushed him. I hurt him. How could he trust me again? How can I trust myself to not hurt him. I could never hurt him like that. But I did.. and I felt nothing. Until I got out of that depression… and finally felt it. 

It’s weird.. when I feel down or depressed I guess, I feel all this sadness inside me. I want to cry all the time, but there are no tears. There is no reason for my sadness except that I lost him. That was my fault and I deserve to be sad. Yet when I come out of that… hollow feeling.. then I feel sad.. the real kind. For losing him. For losing a once in a life time love. 

What have I done?  What am I going to do? Do I have depression? Is it only sometimes? 

Earlier I said I feel fine now.. not depressed like I recognized in myself in the past few months. Now that I’ve talked to my mom and I am realizing these things.. I am scared. I’m scared those feelings will plague me again and take over my mind and suppress my real feelings. 

jedeviens-maigre:

You know, I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault that they can’t get close to me. I think it’s mine. I think I’m so afraid of being rejected and not fitting in that I refuse to even instigate a relationship for fear that it will fall apart in the end. So I don’t even give people a chance to get close to me. And then when I do take that chance, I’m so afraid that it’ll get messed up that I myself mess it up, whether I mean to or not.

- I have the same issues. There are few who I am close with. There’s one who knows everything with me.. and he’s great about it because he won’t bring it up unless I do. I’ve been wrecking my relationship with my best friend not on purpose, because I get jealous of how comfortable in her own skin she is. How she doesn’t give two shits about what she puts in her mouth. How she’s just free, even though I know she has hardships- they don’t hold her back. I let mine hinder me every day. It’s a challenge and I am weak. With men.. I’ll start seeing them for a few weeks or so. As soon as they start saying they care about me and talking about the future I sabotage it; not on purpose. I just do. I can’t care about someone. They could hurt me. They could break me. I won’t be broken. I’m broken enough.